You spent your weekend partying with your friends and getting arrested. I spent mine compiling lesser news stories for you, so that come Monday, you could catch up on anything you might have missed. You’re welcome, heathens.
Former X Factor Winner’s Home Raided
If you are like me, you spend your weekends doing some pretty crazy things. If you are like former X Factor winner, Altiyan Childs you spend them fleeing homes hours before police raid them and discover guns, drug-manufacturing equipment, and 500 grams of cannabis. Altiyan hasn’t been charged over the raid, which actually happened last weekend, though his manager Steve Gold was arrested (in his undies, no less), which makes me wonder whether this isn’t just a misguided attempt to secure his client some much-needed publicity.Still, points for trying, and one day this might turn into a hilarious anecdote Gold can tell in the exercise yard.
Keanu Confirms New Bill and Ted Script Almost Complete
It’s time for Keanu Reeves to cheer up, because over the weekend he confirmed he’ll be reprising his greatest role ever (after that of Conor O’Neill) as Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan. That’s right, another Bill and Ted is in the works. Why they couldn’t have done this a couple of years back when George Carlin who played ‘Rufus’, was still alive, I don’t know. Why they are doing this at all, I also don’t know.
Not sure where the ‘news’ is here. Since his holiness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created mankind, kids have been lighting up with their mates behind the shelter shed in the misguided view that it makes them seem cool. What News.com.au should really be concerned about is why our youth worship Justin Bieber, tattoo the b’Spaghetti Monster out of each other, and ZOMG!, butcher the written word to such a degree that I risk an aneurism every time I engage someone from Generation Z in a written medium. I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the next time I read the sentence, “Tom stop storking me u weerdo”, I’m going to lose my shit.
Hiding Your Online Shame Is Big Business
Apparently people are now forking out up to AU$50,000 (approximately US$115,000 I think) to cover up embarrassing photos, comments and news stories about them online. According to Dan Petrovic, a director of one of the companies offering the service, “The key thing is nobody has to know”. The fact that I can dig up nothing online of an embarrassing nature about Dan Petrovic (apart from the fact that he resembles Shannon Noll from the side and one weekend he [redacted]), tells me Dan Petrovic knows what he’s talking about. Though he did let slip that Bob Smith is a scammer. Pass it on.
Stores Introduce Change Room Charges
Wrapping up, it was revealed over the weekend that some stores (I wish I could be more specific), have begun slugging shoppers with a ‘fitting fee’, for trying on garments in their store. The reasoning being that they’re trying to stop shoppers from using their change rooms to see how an item fits, before going home and ordering the same item with a smaller price tag online. Given the Australian retail sector is hurting thanks to a dramatic increase in online shopping, which doesn’t share the same rental costs, import taxes or GST, I can understand the logic in retailers trying to make up ground where they can. What would be cooler though, is if they charged other customers a fee to watch someone else get changed. That way everyone’s a winner!
