It’s no secret that I love the Oscars. Like flat out love it. Love it like most normal chicks love shoes.  Awards shows in general are an insatiable addiction for me, and it’s safe to say the Oscars are my drug of choice.

I’m the sort of person who hangs on every word of all the acceptance speeches, even the supposedly boring non-actor ones. They’re the ones I thrive on - the personal stories, the emotional shout-outs and the unbridled gushing about dreams coming true. Bring it on.

And so I bring you the Top 10 things I’ve learnt from the 84th Academy Awards:

1) Silence is Golden. French film The Artist scooped the pool, in a shock to no one… except maybe the US studio heads who turned it down. Because you just know they’re sitting there wondering what the hell they’ve been doing for the past 80+ years if a black and white silent film is all it takes to win? But I bet they know to never underestimate the value of a cute dog.

2) Aussies do it better. Sure, we had no actors in the race for Oscar glory, but that didn’t stop us claiming the award for Best Editing. Kirk Baxter managed back-to-back wins (after last year’s Social Network) for his work on the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Shame he butchered his acceptance speech, but at 25-1 odds going in, I guess pulling out a pretentious small piece of paper whilst saying “ohmygod I so wasn’t expecting this” wouldn’t have gone down any better.

3)  Billy Crystal is the man.  He effortlessly proved why he is such an awesome choice to host the Oscars, with an entertaining and engaging 9th run at the gig.  It began with a segment which placed him in scenes from some of the year’s biggest flicks, including The Descendents with George Clooney. In the clip, Crystal locked lips with Clooney, to which George’s girlfriend Stacy Keibler took to Twitter to smugly announce – “You’re right @BillyCrystal, he is a good kisser”.

Shut up Keibler, in your stunning dress on the arm of a stunning man.   Well, at least she used the right “you’re”. Still, pfft.

4) Comedies deserve their own category.  Then maybe the hilarious ladies from Bridesmaids would be able to wrestle an award away from the likes of Meryl.  Okay, so you can’t argue that Meryl isn’t a goddamn icon, but those chicks who wrote and starred in last year’s surprise package would have been some very deserving winners.  (NB. This does not mean a comedic allowance for number 10 on this list. Ever.)

5) Never trust Sacha Baron Cohen.   The Academy was initially suspicious about allowing him to attend as his latest character The Dictator, and they should have trusted their instincts. However, once they had an about face, Cohen swiftly taught the Academy a lesson, by proceeding to dump an urn full of ashes on entertainment host Ryan Seacrest, claiming it to be those of Kim Jong-Il.  The guys behind Team America must be so proud.

6) There will always be a wardrobe malfunction. This year that award goes to Jennifer Lopez and her possible nip-slip whilst she was presenting with Cameron Diaz.  Honorable mention goes to Angelina Jolie’s right leg – whilst it wasn’t exactly a wardrobe malfunction, never has a body part created such frenzy.

7) It pays to be friends with Tate Taylor.  Mostly unknown until he directed The Help, he was a kindergarten mate of writer Kathryn Stockett (on whose book the movie is based), and went on to meet Best Supporting Actress Octavia Spencer when they were both assistants on the set of A Time to Kill in 1995. Once he decided to move to LA, he quickly hit it off with Oscar nominee Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) and Missi Pyle (part of The Artist ensemble). If I were anyone in Hollywood right now, I’d be rushing to rub his belly for good luck.

8) It’s cool to love The Muppets. And so you should. Whilst Kermit’s sentimental ode Rainbow Connection was once also nominated, it’s taken Kiwi native Bret McKenzie to make Muppet movie history by winning the Oscar for his Best Original Song Muppet or Man.  Bret took the time to graciously thank Jim Henson for his inspiration, as Jason Segel (the man responsible for bringing the Muppets back to the big screen) beamed from the audience.

9) Tom Cruise is drinking from the Scientology Cup of Life.  He must be, cos how else do you explain his youthful and attractive appearance when he walked out to present the final award of the evening, Best Picture?  Clearly, there is no other reasonable explanation. That, and it helps me to accept how he can continue to have the best movie run in the business.

10) Adam Sandler will never win an Oscar. Sure, he wowed some of us with his dramatic chops in Reign Over Me, but don’t be fooled.  This is also the guy responsible for the abomination that is Jack and Jill, not to mention Just Go With It, both helping him to a record-breaking 11 Razzie nominations (the anti-Oscars for the worst efforts in film) announced yesterday. Hang your head in shame, Sandler.

And finally, there’s a little something in this for all the movie lovers out there.

The opinions expressed in The Side Project blog do not necessarily reflect those of The Project or the Ten Network.