Photo: © 2009 AP via AAP/Matt Sayles

In future footy clinics, kids will learn how to roll a condom on a witch's hat.

Gold-diggers are not your problem when you're dead.

Julie Bishop is a spy and will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

Talkback callers want you to stay in the closet, unless there's a burqa in there.

Kids who grow up so fast probably have a fake ID.

The poo left on James Packer's doorstep will star in a new sitcom with Chk-Chk Boom girl.

Relocated asylum-seekers see more of Australia than most Australians.

Tony Abbott is set to play a body double in the biopic of Tony Abbott as the 35-year-old Tony Abbott.

Forgot your PIN? Call your bank, or Google.

If at first you don't succeed, go to Channel 7.

The first Australian to climb Mt Everest three times has still not been taken back by his ex.

Britney Spears plans to be cryogenically frozen by wearing no knickers in a blizzard.