Thanks to the remarkable world we live in, scientists of today are making breakthrough discoveries almost daily. It's as if I wake every morning to news of something so amazing and life-changing that I can't help but kick myself and say 'Wow, that's great'.
But not today. No, today I sit here upset, nay, angry. Because now I see the scientists are full of it. Literally.
Apparently, it's been discovered that the sperm of overweight fathers may 'carry a molecular signal' that causes their kids to inherit obesity. Which, put simply, says we have found out that fatso kids can blame their dad's little swimmers for the amount of cakes they eat.
I cannot believe there are a group of scientists out there wasting their time to find this out. When will we learn giving our children an 'easy out' is not the answer? It's almost 2012 for crying out loud, surely we can all just man up and tell our kids that they're fat because they're pigs and eat too much rubbish? Because that's why it happens, not because my dad's sperm said so.
I want to give you all a quick lesson and I'd like all of you scientists to listen up, too. Our body needs food to work properly. But when we eat rubbish that is higher in fat and sugar than our body needs, it gets stored for later. By regularly exercising and ensuring we eat less crap than what we burn off, we can stay healthy. If you don't exercise and eat too much rubbish, you GET FAT. That's how it happens, simple enough, right?
This is exactly what we need to teach our kids. We need to teach them that leading a healthy lifestyle is the key to staying slim and healthy because our kids already pass on enough of the blame. We need to give them this and say 'This is up to you, my child, don't get fat like your father. And if you do, then it's your own fault, fatso.'
They need to hear it straight up with honesty, not served with a big dose of science that I just don't believe. Because I call bull. I call bull that if I eat too much, my sperm will make my kids eat too much as well. Can you really tell me that's how life works? I bet that if you got insanely obese and taught a kid the right way to live from the start, they'd never tip the scales at 'earth shatteringly fat'. I guarantee it. Your sperm doesn't carry your desire to over-indulge in chocolate and burgers. Your lifestyle does.
Oh, and for all of the brain people out there, don't worry about leaving the kids scarred for life, either. I've already thought about that, and you're going to lose either way so it's not worth worrying about. Which of the following would you rather? A: A child who realises that while they may be overweight, they can do something about it? Or B: A kid that will always know their parents were once 'doing it' and now their dad's highest moment of 'pleasure' now sits proudly on their belly and is the reason kids at school look at them when watching a sumo wrestling tape in Japanese class? Pretty clear to me…
Mark my words, if I ever get fat and have a child, I'll be honest to them. And if my kid is going to be scarred, it's going to be because of the truth, not because I ate too much peanut butter and had sex with their mum. The outcome of that? My kid will respect me for telling them how it really is and will never be afraid to come to me for wisdom because they know they'll get the truth.
Sperm maketh the child, not the desire to eat.
Follow Brad on Twitter at @bradwingquay
The opinions expressed in The 7PM Side Project blog do not necessarily reflect those of The 7PM Project or the Ten Network.