Meeting commenced Parliament House, Canberra, 2.00pm, Tuesday August 24.

Present:

Rob OAKESHOTT (MHR, Lyne)
Tony WINDSOR (MHR, New England)
Bob KATTER (MHR, Kennedy)

ITEMS OF BUSINESS

1. Purpose of meeting

The August 21 election has revealed that Australians were unable to choose between a Labor party run by a small group of unknown men in trade unions, and a Coalition run by a small group of unknown men in mining companies. The nation will therefore have their future determined by a small group of unknown men sitting at the back of Parliament.

Motion: That attendees conduct a frank discussion on the future direction of the nation and its government.

Proposed: Rob OAKESHOTT. Seconded: Tony WINDSOR 

For: 4. Against: 0.

Motion passed.

2. Proposed recount of previous vote.

Tony WINDSOR pointed out that the last motion recorded four “For” votes, a mathematical impossibility with only three people present.

Motion: That a recount be undertaken.

Proposed: Tony WINDSOR. Seconded: Bob KATTER.

For: 3. Against: 0. Dull thud from under table: 1.

Joe HOCKEY (MHR, North Sydney) discovered hiding under table rubbing a fresh bump on his head.

Motion: That Joe HOCKEY is a numbat and should leave immediately.

Proposed: Bob KATTER. Seconded: Rob OAKESHOTT.

For: 3. Against: 1.

Motion carried.

Joe HOCKEY left.

3. Spot check for other uninvited attendees

Attendees conducted a search for any further concealed intruders. Senator-unelect Steve FIELDING (Vic) found hiding in drinks cupboard dressed as a bottle, crying “I’m not leaving and you can’t make me.” In keeping with Parliamentary convention, Senator FIELDING is ignored.

4. Demands tabled

Rob OAKESHOTT declared that a united front would make bargaining easier and would be more likely to lead to stable government. Agreed unanimously.

ROB OAKESHOTT tabled key demands:
- action on climate change
- improved rural health services
- broadband network

TONY WINDSOR tabled key demands:
- fair water allocation
- broadband network
- Barnaby JOYCE (Senate, Qld) to kiss Tony WINDSOR’s buttocks at the commencement of every Parliamentary sitting

BOB KATTER tabled key demands:
- ban on importation of Filipino bananas
- army to be recalled from Afghanistan to wage war against killer flying foxes
- the right to wear a Snuggie in Parliament

ROB OAKESHOTT suggested that this may prove harder than he thought.

5. Interruption

Meeting was interrupted when false ceiling gave way and Senator Stephen CONROY (Vic) fell through, landing on table.

CONROY explained that he just happened to be installing a National Broadband Network above the meeting room and reminded attendees that it meets one of their biggest demands.

Attendees asked how he knew it was one of their biggest demands.

Stephen CONROY replied that he just happened to overhear it using the government filter he had installed on their broadband connection to ensure that they didn’t accidentally stumble upon child pornography during their meeting.

Stephen CONROY was asked to leave and take his filter with him.

6. Meeting with Tony Crook

Tony CROOK (MHR, O’Connor) entered, declaring that even though he’s a Nationals MP, he’s going to be more like an Independent and therefore deserves a place at the meeting. Agreed.

Tony CROOK tabled demands:
- $900 million more for WA
- No mining tax

Awkward silence.

Motion: That it was nice to meet Tony CROOK, but he should probably go now.

Proposed: Rob OAKESHOTT. Seconded: Tony CROOK.

For: 4. Against: 0.

Motion passed.

Tony CROOK left.

7. Call from Tony Abbott

Tony ABBOTT called to say that he had decided a National Broadband Network wasn’t such a bad idea. In fact, he was now so committed to the concept, he was on his way to Dick Smith Electronics to buy a jumbo packet of Broadbands. Tony ABBOTT asked if anyone needed him to grab anything while he was there.

Attendees thanked Tony ABBOTT and ended call, declining to speculate with him on how many megabits would fit into the boot of his car.

8. Offer of scones

Caretaker Prime Minister Julia GILLARD (MHR, Lalor) entered with fresh scones, saying she baked them herself in her own kitchen that morning, and that all attendees should take care not to spill crumbs as they all look extremely handsome in their suits.

Julia GILLARD was asked to leave, and take her scones with her.

9. Possible 'unity' cabinet

Rob OAKESHOTT floated possibility of combined ‘unity’ Cabinet incorporating Members from both sides of the House.

After some consideration, this idea was discounted, as it would not provide stable government. It was agreed that the right-wing philosophies of Coalition MPs would be incompatible with the even more right-wing philosophies of Labor MPs.

10. Enquiry from Joe Hockey

Joe HOCKEY returned, saying he heard there were scones. Upon being appraised of the reality of the situation, he left.

11. Meeting with Wyatt Roy

20-year-old MP-elect WYATT ROY (Longman) entered.

BOB KATTER asked who ordered the midget.

Wyatt ROY apologised, pointing out that it was his first day and he didn’t know where to go to park a bike. Told to check near Bob Brown’s office. Wyatt ROY thanked attendees and left.

Shortly afterwards, Wyatt ROY’s mother was observed riding a bicycle toward the Greens’ offices with Wyatt ROY perched in a kiddie seat on the back.

12. Call from Mark Arbib

ALP Senator Mark ARBIB (NSW) called to ask what was wrong with Julia GILLARD’s scones.

Tony WINDSOR replied there was nothing wrong with the scones.

ARBIB said then the problem must lie with Julia GILLARD, and that if they don’t like the idea of GILLARD as Prime Minister, he could have someone else installed in that position by the end of the day: “Just name names.”

Attendees promised ARBIB that they would think about it.

13. Meeting with Adam Bandt

Greens MP-elect Adam BANDT arrived for courtesy meeting. ROB OAKESHOTT provided BANDT with a copy of meeting agenda. TONY WINDSOR made BANDT a cup of coffee. BOB KATTER made fun of BANDT’S glasses.

BANDT asked if the agenda was printed on recycled plantation paper.

BANDT asked if the coffee was organic, Fair Trade and single-origin.

BANDT asked if the milk is dairy or soy, and, if soy, was it from a sustainable soy producer from a non-native rainforest.

BANDT asked BOB KATTER what he thinks of gay marriage.

BANDT was asked to leave.

14. Further calls

Julia GILLARD called to assure attendees that if stability is their concern, she has the full support of Caucus. And some scones that Joe HOCKEY didn’t find.

Tony ABBOTT called to say he’s prepared to implement the ALP’s entire election platform if it means he gets to be Prime Minister.

Mark ARBIB called to say he has the numbers against Julia GILLARD; they’re just waiting to hear who they have the numbers for.

Malcolm TURNBULL called to ask if anyone remembers him.

Stephen CONROY called, breathing heavily.

Wyatt ROY called to ask if the fridge is running. Bob KATTER checked and informed ROY that it was. All present were confused by ROY’S subsequent response and sudden cessation of call.

15. Closing motion

Further discussion ensued, with the main outcomes being:

1. Coalition policy is closer to Members’ philosophies.
2. ALP policy is closer to electorates’ interests.
3. Bob KATTER does not like scones.

A final motion was then put.

Motion: That this meeting enter into an understanding of support for an ALP Government with Tony ABBOTT as Prime Minister.

Motion carried unanimously.

Calls made.

Mark ARBIB said he’s onto it.

Tony ABBOTT agreed in principle but was not sure if he really agreed or if he was just saying that.

Julia GILLARD answered the call, saying she was delighted to hear from her favourite Parliamentarians in the entire world and she couldn’t wait to work with them in government. GILLARD then momentarily excused herself as Mark ARBIB was calling on the other line.