The Great Debate was full of surprises, as in, ‘I’m surprised I’m still watching this’. But I stuck with it, because the minute I flick channels is the minute a new camera angle reveals Julia Gillard isn’t the only one on stage wearing heels. Also, who would have imagined a night devoted to food and politics without Joe Hockey?
It’s not a politician’s job to be entertaining, but it is their job to be inspiring. And if it’s true that we get the politicians we deserve, then Australia must be very disappointing.
Gillard said ‘moving forward’ in the first sentence. Lots of things move forward. Zombies, for instance. Or out of control cars. I don’t think Gillard even wants to move forward; I reckon she’d prefer to hold Labor policies up against a green screen and let the fake scenery whizz past.
Gillard then went on to say, “I think Australia is a great country.” What a relief. It would be a shame if our Prime Minister thought the place was a shithole. Overall, Gillard seemed without passion, over-cautious and risk-averse – no wonder she hasn’t gotten pregnant.
Abbott came out of the blocks with, “My wife Margie and I…” We all know what that’s code for. He may as well have said, “My wife Margie and I, with whom I have non-stop, heterosexual, monogamous, matrimonial sex.” Abbott then moistened his index finger, twirled his left nipple and high-fived the moderator. In code, of course.
Abbott said ‘fair dinkum’ seven times. My rule is; any more than five and you’re a phoney. It’s simple; the more someone uses ‘fair dinkum’, the less fair dinkum they are. It’s like someone constantly telling you they’re not gay. Who the hell are they trying to convince?
Abbott spoke a lot about his ‘Action Contract’. I have no idea what an Action Contract is. When Abbott says ‘Action Contract’, he sounds less like an alternative Prime Minister and more like Rambo’s lawyer. Abbott also promised to ‘stop the boats’, like a strong, cold, white iceberg. In fact, the level of political debate in Australia is so bad, I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘more icebergs’ became official border protection policy.
Both leaders are obsessed with overpopulation. The message is clear; no more babies. Wear protection at all times. It worked. I’m wearing a diaphragm right now. And to help ram home the anti-sex message, Channel 9 spent a further twenty minutes with a camera on Laurie Oakes.
The Channel 9 worms gave the night to Julia Gillard. Then again, those worms looked like two sperm in a race to the egg, so they naturally had an ovary bias. We’re supposed to believe the worm is operated by ‘everyday Australians’. Firstly, what the hell is an ‘everyday Australian’? Maybe I’m only one on Wednesdays. And how ‘everyday‘ could the worm operators have been if they weren’t home watching Masterchef?
Both Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott are abusing the fact that voting is compulsory. Apathy was the real winner. It’s only early days but I’m over this election. You could even say that I’m ‘moving forward’.
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The opinions expressed in the 7pm Side Project blog do not necessarily reflect those of the 7PM Project or the Ten Network
